Been there, done that.

On Altered Reality

Sometimes we do really like A, or doing B.

Sometimes we only like the idea of doing A, or the idea of being associated with B.

But up until now I can never really tell the difference when it comes to my own mind.

Do I really like these stuffs, or do I merely like the idea of me liking these stuffs, of my identity being associated with these stuffs?

Do I really like this person, or is this friendship / relationship / companionship merely good on "paper"?

I think we can never know for sure. You see, I somehow always believe that our brain is capable of working like Leonard Shelby's brain in Nolan's "Memento". We believe what we want to believe.

Although we don't experience amnesia or brain damage like Shelby, some things that we believe as facts in our life are probably just an altered reality.

But now comes the philosophical question: Does it really matter whether we can tell the difference or not?

Isn't it a gift that we can self-manipulate our own mind? That we can choose to craft our own version of story?

:)

Someone can know you so well and yet doesn't really know you without a proper understanding of your context.

On Learning and Creating

When my Dad asked me what I want to do with my life, in frustration I answered, "I don't know. I just want to keep learning and creating."

I should've known better that it is not an answer a parent would love to hear. Maybe I should've answered, "I want to be a Marketing professor and am going to finish my PhD by the time I'm 30" or "I want to be a prominent market researcher so now I'm applying to five multinational market research companies and will be having an interview with one of them next week". But, of course, answering those would be a lie.

Because honestly, all I want to do is keep learning and creating. When Dad kept questioning my life plan, I joked by saying, "Nah, I just want a rich husband that would pay for my joining short courses in universities around the world."

And my Dad laughed, "Yeah, good luck finding a rich guy."

Of course he knew it was a joke (my Dad kinda thinks I'm not classy enough to marry a Don Draper-type. After all, Dad, who wants a Don Draper?). Of course I would not do just that. I know for sure that learning without actually practicing or implementing the knowledge would be a total waste. After all, millennials like me just want to make an impact in this world.

Now let's talk about "creating". To create, to make something from scratch, is a very very exciting process. Especially--let me repeat--especially, when you have the resources to do so (money, skills, talents, network). As we progress in life, the accumulation of our skills and networks, when capitalized, can be put into the creation of something bigger than ourselves. Name it--a business, a movement, even just a blog.

Creating seems impossible at first. I remember the first time I set up my own movie blog and no one reads it. But then one day, I wrote a review about a local movie and the post went viral. After that, my blog always has visitors, as lame as the post might be. And we're not just talking about blogs here. I mean, surely one of you has tried building a business, getting the first customers, or trying to get people joining the cause you started.

Oh.. the beauty and agony of creating. And along the process, you continue to learn. There's no finish line. The process keeps surprising you-- it either gives you an idea that sometimes you're better than you think you are, or that sometimes you're just a loser.

That's what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I'm sure that's what many of you also want. To learn and to create and to hop on the endless self discovery train.

But then reality hits most of us. We can't afford to learn, we can't afford to create. There's too much at stake. We have to compromise. We have to let go a little part of ourselves--our naivety.

But hey, that's another beauty of life other than the beauty of learning and creating: the beauty of growing up. The beauty of having limitations. The beauty of compromising. The beauty of letting go.

At some points in our lives, it is inevitable that we should let go our naivety, be it when we were 17, or 25, or even 40. Actually there's another word for that--it's called being responsible.

So when you arrive at a point where you should let go everything you believe in, just let it go. Later in life you can still compromise. Add the skills, network, and money to extend your limit. So one day you will get back what you've given in.

Like the caption I wrote in my Instagram several weeks ago,

"Maybe, just maybe, at some points in our lives we need to let go of the most fundamental thing we have always believed in--a principle naturally embedded within ourselves. Maybe we should be less all-or-nothing, less of a non-conformist, and more of a normal, made-to-adapt human being. But before we arrive at one of those points, we still have time and we still have chances and I guess we should use them very, very well."

I am totally done

with trying to fix people

or trying to get someone to fix myself

I am healthy, I am healed

I need no cure, I'm not even sick at all

I'm just a person with deformities

I'm an artwork

And so do other people

Writing is Therapeutic but Writing is not a Person

I love writing not just because it is writing but also because it is therapeutic. It's basically like saying, "I love my best friend not just because he/she is fun to be with, but also because he/she understands me."

So whenever my mood goes down (which happens often; I'm a 20-something aspiring writer, of course I'm a nervous wreck), and it can't be relieved by proper, deep breathing, I turn to writing. It helps me thinking more clearly by articulating my emotions, thus helping me identifying the core problem and connecting the dots to find the solution.

But as relieving as writing to me, it doesn't talk back. I mean, the reason why everyone, IMHO, should have a hobby, is so they have at least one thing they can hold on to that will never disappoint them. Hobbies do not disappoint you, you take full control of them. People disappoint you. But a hobby doesn't talk to you like a person talks to you (okay, this is getting quite confusing).

For example, last night I talked to my best friend, asking for career advices. Unlike writing, my best friend doesn't stay silent and accept everything I told her. She pointed out some of my points that contradict my past remarks. She comforted me, convinced me that all hardships will eventually come to an ease. She reminded me of my bigger purpose.

Writing doesn't do that. It accepts me for who I am. It doesn't argue. It even goes far by validating everything I think is true ("Yes, Caca, you're right. You're the smartest person on Earth. Uh-huh, I totally understand that. Yeah, she's the bitch. Sure, it's okay to change your decision too fast," said writing).

It is therapeutic because it is too accepting. Writing is like a boring guy, wishing he can earn your attention by nodding to everything you say (girls actually like being argued, but of course, not too much xD).

Wow, sorry writing, I didn't mean to go that far. It's just that trusting you means trusting myself too much--trusting that everything I write down is the truth. Well the fact is, I can manipulate my own mind to believe what I want to believe. And that's why you're only a hobby/passion, writing, not my best friend. Because a best friend tells you if you're wrong, not blindly accepting your flawed decision-making process.

So that's the conclusion. Writing is therapeutic, but writing is not a person. Writing is still one of the first things I go to to relieve my mind. But writing shouldn't be the only one. We have to talk to people, who listen to us, who remember what we used to say about our dreams, who argue us, who point out our flaws. And after we're done talking to people, then we can start talking to ourselves through writing to find clarity.