On losing things twice

It's hard losing someone once. It's even harder losing someone twice.

The first one felt like you're suffocating, gasping for air. You thought you'd be dead. You thought your world would end.

The second one doesn't feel the same.

You've known better, so you don't worry that you're going to die or that the world would end. It only felt like a quick stab in the chest and then the pain went away.

But deep inside you felt nothing. Because in between the two losses, somehow you got nothing left of yourself.

Quick ranting

I sometimes can’t sleep at night and I feel unreal. Everything that I’ve been through, they don't feel like reality. I sometimes still see myself as a college student, walking down the campus hall. And then there will be flashing memories of me working as an editor. Riding Bajaj day-by-day to the office, doing coverage. It was just a year ago but it feels so far now, even further than the image of me as a college student.

I think my life changes too fast. Not that I don’t like it. I like it that I get to experience many things, places, roles with different people. But I’m afraid somehow along the way I lose myself. I want to have something to hold on to — a constant, just so I feel real again, just so I believe that I have always been myself, even in different circumstances.

Have you ever felt this way? Like having flashing memories of your life’s fragments, and suddenly feeling numb? I remember being passionate about my works, or being melancholy at night, but I feel like those versions of me are not me. They are separate entities in another dimension. And the me me, who is now writing this, is a completely different person.

Tell me what you think.

I once wrote a piece about how writing is therapeutic to me.

But it's funny how my finger feels numb at the moment my soul needs therapy the most.

Some words, you just can't spit out. Some feelings, you can't type.

All you can do is bottling it up. Go on with they day as if nothing happened. Write another content, acquire another user, find another traction channel--my daily job as community manager.

The tasks remain the same. But today, the background songs are different. There are more emo songs, followed by folk and jazz. Not the usual pop, EDM, or energizing R&B.

The foods are different. I didn't get up early to go to my favorite chicken porridge stall, nor I bought grilled chicken from my favorite Padang restaurant.

I just drank coffee, and more coffee, although I knew the acidity would hurt my stomach.

I kept telling myself I'm not sad and I'm not angry. But deep down there's another emotion, slowly killing me. It feels unreal. It makes me cry once every 3 hours. "But I'm not sad," I told myself over and over again.

It doesn't even hurt like it hurt when I failed a relationship. It doesn't even scare me like losing a job scared me. I don't know what it is.

I still have my energy, to type, to walk to the nearest ATM, to sing along with the Spotify playlist. But something is different. Something feels different.

My vision is blurred but I don't want to wear my glasses. The glasses make me feel ugly. The glasses do not help at all.

I take a look the mirror and think "I'm beautiful", with my black straight hair and soft, post-menstruation skin. But my soul is rotten, I told myself. My soul is rotten.

....

A Day in a Life of Someone with Scoliosis

The pain came again.

It started from my right hip, down my right leg. And it traveled up to my waist, back, and the worst--neck.

I started to feel my condition worsen since Tuesday evening, after I got back from organizing a meetup. Maybe it was the combination of pressure from work and bringing heavy x-banners up to 6th floor. And of course, sitting (slouching) for hours.

It's the feeling of helplessness--you don't know what to do. You try to move your body, try to get more comfortable. But the pain is there. You can use a hot patch, apply analgesic balm, but the relieving effect only lasts for 1 hour.

You do all the Yoga poses that the Internet say will give instant ease. And you wait, you wait until it goes away.

It's not just the physical pain. It's when I feel helpless my fucked-up mind starts to think of all my weaknesses, my messy relationships, the things I do wrong and shouldn't say to people.

This is the kind of pain that can make me cancel my plan, shut off myself from people, not replying to any text. This is also the kind of pain that can make me go shop impulsively--basically buy anything that can make me forget that my legs are uneven, for a while.

Call me spoiled and childish. But ever since this thing came 3 years ago, my life has never been the same.

At the hair salon where I got my hair cut today, I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like shit. Honestly I cried a little bit. But there's no point in telling anyone. The second I whine about the pain to my parents they'll buy me a ticket home and stop me from having any full-time job ever.

After more than 70 dollars spent for my impulsive shopping today, I now feel a lot better. Although the neck pain is still there. I'm thinking of calling my old chiropractor and getting back on therapy.

I don't want to lose. I don't want to give up on all my dreams. I don't want to lose my sense of self just because my spine has abnormal curves.

I still want to go to Eurotrip someday, even though the tension might worsen from sitting too long on the flight.

Until then I can only do more planks and wear more hot patches and have chiropractic adjustment and hold on.

And probably ask my boss to buy a standing desk.

Falling in love is easy. Doing it the right way is not.

Is polarizing people worth it?

Fitting in is never the purpose, said my naive self, often, especially when my introversion trait encounters a scene I am not comfortable with--networking session, birthday party, family gatherings.

A year ago I watched a TED talk from Guy Kawasaki, the guy from Apple. He said that "great ideas polarize people". I can never forget what he said.

His point: if an idea is great, then it will polarize people--it will divide people into either lover or hater of that idea. So when making great idea or product, one shouldn't be afraid of being hated. If an idea is great, aside from the haters, it will have die-hard fans who will worship and defend the idea.

I couldn't forget what Guy Kawasaki said because I came to realize that the principle also applies to people. Not only great ideas--great people also (are supposed to) polarize people.

If one is being oneself, then it is certain one can not please everybody. One could be too talkative or too reserved, too stupid or too smart, too rich or too poor, too beautiful or too ugly--never be right in the eyes of people who just don't get oneself.

That's the idea of being yourself, of opening up: to polarize people from the start.





But lately I've been thinking...

Is polarizing people worth it?

Is showing your true self from the start really doing you any good?

Or does it actually drive people away--people who could've been meaningful to you if you just tone down a little bit?

I started this post with a belief that I've been holding on to my whole life: fitting in is never the purpose. But my 22-year-old self is starting to doubt the only value I've always believed my whole life.

What if... compromising your true self actually will make life better?

What if... (this is the worst part) there is no true self, that true self is just our mind doing the constructivism thing? That some humans simply love to claim a very specific identity for themselves that they pride themselves of not belonging in this world?





What if your identity, your true self, is just something you make your mind to believe? What if you actually, with a little manipulation toward your brain, can actually fit in and have a better life compared to a life of not belonging?





But.

Even if we can.

Do we want to?

Do you want to?

Do I want to?





Is polarizing people worth it?

Maybe it's not.

But I don't want to please everyone, anyway.

Current Favorite Song

8 Truths of Growing Up

1) You have to work your ass off. There is no shortcut.

2) You will eventually come to realize that you're not that smart. It is possible to be the dumbest person in the room.

3) People that you love and trust the most will someday question you.

4) There will be days when you can't even afford a 50 cents bottled water.

5) Not listening to people's opinions about you becomes easier over time.

6) A solid friendship is a solid friendship even though you and your friends barely meet.

7) You actually care more about your health.

8) Soulmates do not exist. Relationships are pure constant learning and hard work.

Love S01E09

Gus: What's up?

Mickey: Well, I don't know. What's up? I thought we had a good time the other night. Did we not have a good time?

Gus: Yeah, no, totally. We totally did.

Mickey: Then why are you being so mean to me? Did I do something? Could you just tell me what I did? And then I'll leave you alone. I'll go away.

Gus: Okay. Well, first of all, you showed up unannounced again, you know? You did it last night at my house and now you're doing it at my job. So I don't know what you're expecting my reaction to be. Like, you want it to be positive? I mean--

Mickey: I'm just picking up on what you put down. I mean, we had sex two days ago. Do you not remember that?

Gus: Okay. Yeah.

Mickey: We had sex and you turn into this huge dick.

Gus: What about you, you know? You're pretending to, like, be this, like, cool girl, you know, who doesn't follow the rules of how things go, but then we have sex, and then you immediately become like every other lame girl who, like, gets clingy and won't give a guy space. Okay?

Mickey: Surprise! I'm not the cool girl, okay? I'm not just some girl that you can fuck for a while to prove to yourself that you can be dangerous and edgy, and you're not some huge dork, and then you go off and marry whatever boring lady.

Gus: Okay, so that's what I am to you then, I'm just this fucking dork who you fuck and then you can feel like you're getting your life together cause you're fucking a nice guy and you're not fucking a piece of shit anymore, okay?

Mickey: No! No!

Gus: Don't make me that guy, okay?

Mickey: I like you! And you can't handle it. And guess what? Everything I'm doing right now, if you liked me, you would be so into it.

Gus: Oh, whatever. No.

Mickey: You would love it if some girl just showed up at your work

Gus: No! I wouldn't. No. Because this job is important to me, okay? And just because, like, you're okay with, like, fucking up your life, doesn't mean you can just come in and fuck up my life!

Mickey: Ooh. Wow, you're mean. Do you know that?

Gus: Oh, I'm the mean one?

Mickey: You're actually a really mean person.

Gus: You're the mean one.

Mickey: No, you're a huge prick. You pretend to be nice and that's worse. I am who I am. I'm not pretending to be anything.

If this is 2012, I would move mountains for people. But I've known enough to invest all eggs only in one basket: myself.

People do get curious all the time. But the ability to stay curious after seeing things for what they are, is priceless and rare.

It feels good to able to feel again, through music and fiction and movies. I thought that part of me was long gone.

Good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught.

'Cause every night she studies hard in her room

At least that's what her parents assume

We want to aim but we don't want to lose our root

We want to love but we don't want to be vulnerable

We want to make things happen but we don't want to suffer that much

So our true self lies in between those two extremes. How we compromise defines us..

Serene Sunday afternoon, listening to cliche Indonesian love songs, reading current movie project brief, daydreaming, trying to be less prone to critics, trying to get a sense of what's currently happening in these rites of passage, trying to figure it out. Thinking of the thin line between love and infatuation. Thinking of the people who suddenly seem so distant, and the strangers who suddenly seem so close. Questioning my way of perceiving the world. Contemplating on how I've sinned like other people, and how I've sinned differently than other people. Considering myself as too much to handle, at the same time being grateful that some people really do not mind.

And longing, longing for those innocent talks, without agenda, without intention, only two people trying to get to know each other.

Been there, done that.

On Altered Reality

Sometimes we do really like A, or doing B.

Sometimes we only like the idea of doing A, or the idea of being associated with B.

But up until now I can never really tell the difference when it comes to my own mind.

Do I really like these stuffs, or do I merely like the idea of me liking these stuffs, of my identity being associated with these stuffs?

Do I really like this person, or is this friendship / relationship / companionship merely good on "paper"?

I think we can never know for sure. You see, I somehow always believe that our brain is capable of working like Leonard Shelby's brain in Nolan's "Memento". We believe what we want to believe.

Although we don't experience amnesia or brain damage like Shelby, some things that we believe as facts in our life are probably just an altered reality.

But now comes the philosophical question: Does it really matter whether we can tell the difference or not?

Isn't it a gift that we can self-manipulate our own mind? That we can choose to craft our own version of story?

:)

Someone can know you so well and yet doesn't really know you without a proper understanding of your context.

On Learning and Creating

When my Dad asked me what I want to do with my life, in frustration I answered, "I don't know. I just want to keep learning and creating."

I should've known better that it is not an answer a parent would love to hear. Maybe I should've answered, "I want to be a Marketing professor and am going to finish my PhD by the time I'm 30" or "I want to be a prominent market researcher so now I'm applying to five multinational market research companies and will be having an interview with one of them next week". But, of course, answering those would be a lie.

Because honestly, all I want to do is keep learning and creating. When Dad kept questioning my life plan, I joked by saying, "Nah, I just want a rich husband that would pay for my joining short courses in universities around the world."

And my Dad laughed, "Yeah, good luck finding a rich guy."

Of course he knew it was a joke (my Dad kinda thinks I'm not classy enough to marry a Don Draper-type. After all, Dad, who wants a Don Draper?). Of course I would not do just that. I know for sure that learning without actually practicing or implementing the knowledge would be a total waste. After all, millennials like me just want to make an impact in this world.

Now let's talk about "creating". To create, to make something from scratch, is a very very exciting process. Especially--let me repeat--especially, when you have the resources to do so (money, skills, talents, network). As we progress in life, the accumulation of our skills and networks, when capitalized, can be put into the creation of something bigger than ourselves. Name it--a business, a movement, even just a blog.

Creating seems impossible at first. I remember the first time I set up my own movie blog and no one reads it. But then one day, I wrote a review about a local movie and the post went viral. After that, my blog always has visitors, as lame as the post might be. And we're not just talking about blogs here. I mean, surely one of you has tried building a business, getting the first customers, or trying to get people joining the cause you started.

Oh.. the beauty and agony of creating. And along the process, you continue to learn. There's no finish line. The process keeps surprising you-- it either gives you an idea that sometimes you're better than you think you are, or that sometimes you're just a loser.

That's what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I'm sure that's what many of you also want. To learn and to create and to hop on the endless self discovery train.

But then reality hits most of us. We can't afford to learn, we can't afford to create. There's too much at stake. We have to compromise. We have to let go a little part of ourselves--our naivety.

But hey, that's another beauty of life other than the beauty of learning and creating: the beauty of growing up. The beauty of having limitations. The beauty of compromising. The beauty of letting go.

At some points in our lives, it is inevitable that we should let go our naivety, be it when we were 17, or 25, or even 40. Actually there's another word for that--it's called being responsible.

So when you arrive at a point where you should let go everything you believe in, just let it go. Later in life you can still compromise. Add the skills, network, and money to extend your limit. So one day you will get back what you've given in.

Like the caption I wrote in my Instagram several weeks ago,

"Maybe, just maybe, at some points in our lives we need to let go of the most fundamental thing we have always believed in--a principle naturally embedded within ourselves. Maybe we should be less all-or-nothing, less of a non-conformist, and more of a normal, made-to-adapt human being. But before we arrive at one of those points, we still have time and we still have chances and I guess we should use them very, very well."

I am totally done

with trying to fix people

or trying to get someone to fix myself

I am healthy, I am healed

I need no cure, I'm not even sick at all

I'm just a person with deformities

I'm an artwork

And so do other people

Writing is Therapeutic but Writing is not a Person

I love writing not just because it is writing but also because it is therapeutic. It's basically like saying, "I love my best friend not just because he/she is fun to be with, but also because he/she understands me."

So whenever my mood goes down (which happens often; I'm a 20-something aspiring writer, of course I'm a nervous wreck), and it can't be relieved by proper, deep breathing, I turn to writing. It helps me thinking more clearly by articulating my emotions, thus helping me identifying the core problem and connecting the dots to find the solution.

But as relieving as writing to me, it doesn't talk back. I mean, the reason why everyone, IMHO, should have a hobby, is so they have at least one thing they can hold on to that will never disappoint them. Hobbies do not disappoint you, you take full control of them. People disappoint you. But a hobby doesn't talk to you like a person talks to you (okay, this is getting quite confusing).

For example, last night I talked to my best friend, asking for career advices. Unlike writing, my best friend doesn't stay silent and accept everything I told her. She pointed out some of my points that contradict my past remarks. She comforted me, convinced me that all hardships will eventually come to an ease. She reminded me of my bigger purpose.

Writing doesn't do that. It accepts me for who I am. It doesn't argue. It even goes far by validating everything I think is true ("Yes, Caca, you're right. You're the smartest person on Earth. Uh-huh, I totally understand that. Yeah, she's the bitch. Sure, it's okay to change your decision too fast," said writing).

It is therapeutic because it is too accepting. Writing is like a boring guy, wishing he can earn your attention by nodding to everything you say (girls actually like being argued, but of course, not too much xD).

Wow, sorry writing, I didn't mean to go that far. It's just that trusting you means trusting myself too much--trusting that everything I write down is the truth. Well the fact is, I can manipulate my own mind to believe what I want to believe. And that's why you're only a hobby/passion, writing, not my best friend. Because a best friend tells you if you're wrong, not blindly accepting your flawed decision-making process.

So that's the conclusion. Writing is therapeutic, but writing is not a person. Writing is still one of the first things I go to to relieve my mind. But writing shouldn't be the only one. We have to talk to people, who listen to us, who remember what we used to say about our dreams, who argue us, who point out our flaws. And after we're done talking to people, then we can start talking to ourselves through writing to find clarity.